Silence

Distance increases
our hearts:
shattered, broken pieces.
As we
lay down alone,
creating new homes
wondering, wandering, longing
to each, neither are belonging
even though
abundance of love abound
we are forming
dominoes falling down
but for you- my love remains still
nothing, even if you will
or won't....
send me a thought
through these telecommuncation
toys that i've bought.
Even if you judge,
you won't make me budge.
Because true love
is infinite and eternal
and remains
ever so..
even through
our minutia complains.
those are the thoughts
which we write in our journals

and so...
I wish you were happy
with me.
But that thought ceases
when I see reality...
and I hope that if you were to let me go
.. I hope you would at least let me know
so that I fall with grace.
But know this:
no matter what,
for you,
in this heart,
there is a place.
That I will be there still
even if you disagree
with what is my will...
and how I proceed
And know
that it is you in my life that I need
one way or another
as sister and brother,
but preferably more my lover
to stand by my side
so in you I can confide...
and have you embrace me again

Lost and Found

clear minded-
and balanced 
I find it surreal,
i still will-
 try to pick up the pieces-
at least what is
left
 ...  right?
the straight is askew
and I ask you
don't you realize
that I'm a prize?
even broken
tattered
heart shattered
unwound
and unfound
my light within
is all around
a shining beacon
amongst a sea
of dark
it matters not
i am radiating
aimlessly in a chase
racing through amazing mazes
mentally distracted
heart retracted
lost...in space yes
why won't you
spark my fire
i will solve the puzzle
i'll be inspired
go from lost to found
abound
in abundance
of treasures from my soul
glistening with love to be shared
it is my goal
but I need fuel to feed my flame
but it is not just for anyone
it is for someone that is the same:
stimulating
titillating
facilitating reciprocating
I rather be alone
if all I have is gone
from not filling my cup
lonely I became
since it's only me
for life is to be shared
can't seem to break free
from my own shackles
that i can't seem to bare
now i look up
let me see
what is right,
not just what was
left...
let me be
rise
independently
for no one else
is there at the end
it is only me...
my best friend

Forever

Flames flickering
By the gentle night
Me next to you
Our Souls taking flight
and I realize...
You're my..
Elegant notion
Loving devotion
Taking me higher
With you.. I conspire
A World conquest
But You come first
In Waking dreams
I'm Lucidly aware
And it seems
Quite a pair
We make
Grandeur awaits
Successful traits
Characterized
Uncompromised
More than words can say
More than music conveys
Our souls tied together
I love you forever

Glacial Palace

as the anger subsides
I confide
I am beside
myself- disheveled, 
soul: shaken
mistakenly asleep
then awakened
to find 
a leap I take
a love we make
twisted
contorted 
distorted
faltering each
knowing I reach
to you out my soul
and all I need is a call
when all is low and no one is there
it is you I seek for 
and without, I despair
they say silent night
a lonely night
for it is me against the world
as it crumbles in my hands
without me. 
while you go visit my land 
my home
my country
my place of birth
surely I deserve
more 
compassion 
knowing full
well that 
abashed
unashamed 
self serving
actions
with 
hurtful intent
lasting resentment
of both in each others eyes
no disguising what transpires
nor change as time flies
what it is that you do
or say and leave
behind in our youth
choices you had made
a choice for yourself
a choice that made me bleed
of which I cannot blame
all the same-
your intent was to 
leave me behind
and then you find
that perhaps our love
might be worth
salvaging ever still
at least our friendship
you will
if you cared for me 
as you said that you do
with forward momentum
it is wrong in how it feels
rather you 
choose to make a choice
 and hurt me so
never the less the past will never go
back to what it was before it was then
the truth - in which it is contained
you see - when I hurt you,
I can honestly say I did not blame
myself when looking away
but this, ever the opposite
no way to erase what you were doing
now I will keep
in memory
that you were merely fooling me 
to thinking you would make an effort
to fix 
what you know that which would hurt.
in to thinking that you would be there
no matter what,
trying to be my partner
but hardly that 
if you aren't there


then as I voice to you my concerns
you merely glide over what you discern
as just another annoyance in your life
rather than realizing that if you were my wife
that you would want to deal with me
even on your vacation ... 
even if you think I am mad,
when I am not
- merely frustrated in my life:
in a job I had lost
and perhaps even friends
and feeling forgot
knowing full well
I love you so much that 
all is nothing 
when your call is remiss
and your kiss,  a wish
that I longed to be there with you
but i gave in ...
thinking you would honor me so
let your ego go
and bow down with a sense of humility
when you hurt me like this..
instead you make me wish 
that I never voiced
any type of question
in that ascension of love 
we were trying to rebuild
for I held you in high regard 
with affairs of love 
and now I am scarred
for life 
thinking that I could tell you how I feel
stop holding back and make it all real
but you didn't want to deal
it wasn't worth the effort
you didn't want to work
for you know that in
the end...
I am just a jerk
who gave you their lives 
gave you what I had
gave you their all
came back to you  
reprise
surprise
and compromise
to make it all work
will it all to falter 
as this glacial palace- melts 
stalagmite bites of bitter cold
overtly piercing and crushing hearts still...
all you had to say is 


"I'm sorry 
I will...
make this up to you somehow
I love you...
now is the time for you to heal
be there for you I will
I will hold you from now on
I won't let this go on
I am sorry that you I hurt you so
please tell me what you need to let go
for I will make it better in due time
because with you , my heart is aligned..."


Instead, you tell me on your way home
You didn't want to deal with me
or the complicated complexities 
of what you created
reality is really, well- over rated...
after all you could easily just escape
as you do each weekend ...
and even in my true home 
where you should only come
only if invited.. 
never alone.


Audacity is what comes to mind
when I realize how it is that you find
a way to rationalize what you need to say
merely a projection- a negative ray
of darkness piercing across
telling me you gloss right over
any effort to bring it back towards love
not even seeing all that I had written
trying to communicate
instead you accuse
of emotional abuse
....
and I left knowing
now its all gone...
my heart
my life
my soul
our goal
to be friends till the end

Another Wish...

I wish for us to

love one another

be good to each other

remember when

we'd get along

and talk in song

and even admit 

when we were wrong

I wish for us ...

to keep a smile

all while...

being close friends

and lovers as well

further dispell

preconceived

notions

of who we think

each other are

when in truth.

are we not

but 

bright shining stars

of incandescent light

showing a path

from the darkness

of the night

I wish for compassion

I wish for our passion

I wish for our goals

if not to be the same

at least be aligned

and coincide

so in you

I can confide

and never blame

and tell my hearts' content

the things I resent

the mistakes

I've made

and make

for it all to spill

without a thought

for me to believe

that angry you are not

and that you will respond

in a way

for whatever it is that I say

that you take my word

and you will believe

and know that my intent is true

even if I falter and cause you

to cry yet once again

knowing full well

that your love and understanding

is the way by which I know  

we are intimately entwined

and for me to find the reason 

to fight the fighting

and persevere,

so I can keep you near

and close to my heart

partially for selfish reasons

of which I will admit

that with you, I like to sit

and hold you close 

in my arms

as I did

and do

when

all

is

1

Thank you note

Thank you ...
for being you
and doing all the you do.
for helping me through..
 it all ...
when I stand
... and when I
fall...
and you rise again...
to answer my call
when i need you
and when i don't
I won't ...
soon forget
the amazing ways that you loved me....

Jaded

jaded
inundated
with feelings that I feel
I hate it
when overwhelmed with
self doubt
being told that a liar am I
called a coward
its about
...time
that I left that behind
you think that I was bad
you have no idea...
for bad is ...
atrocities and lies
cowardice?
yes fear I fear
despise despicable
hatred and vice
death... I surmise
and yes,
when given the choice
I voiced to you that you were my one
showed ,  TRIED in TRUTH
I tried all the same
driving us insane
perfect, my love far from
but you must think I'm dumb
to believe your words
I'm at a loss
for ...
what verity speaks louder than
and for what you believe...
for I conceive
ideas...
theories...
far beyond...
your capabilities
fear this:
for I am a dreamer of dreams
my nightmares would make you scream
know in truth who I am
my generosity
I overextend
to a fault
to you
now...
in that vault
lays a heart that was once a jewel
now petrified and then broken
shattered into pieces
and fully open
I am a fool
now I work on this puzzle
putting those pieces back
together because
one day I hope to love again

ladders we climb

Wishlist

I would like to
heal myself ...
and others
create and love
like a mother
does her child
I would like
for my notions
to cross oceans
like particles
and grains of sand
hit land
waves unfurl
spiraling vortices
and
mathematically...
memetically crash
create commotion
and disband
status quo
through loga-algorhythmic
growth

I wish...
for my ego
to shatter
physical anti-matter knot
what you were taught
seek inside
answers
forgot-ten in time
I wish...
to enlighten my soul
find love evolve
seed of life, grow
show the world
what we are all
nothing but..
a motion in space
based on an attraction
to each other
displacing
momentum
spirals
creating
equilibrium
like orbit
to orbital
in this formation
we all orbit
all
even energy
it seems

I wish...
for us to see
our divinity
realize
potential
incredible
dreams
move
forward
positively
charged
and all
be all
one
together
large and clever is this
infinite universe
in its paradigm-paradox
pandora's box
we made
to it-
enlightenment
enslaved
if we could
only see
self similarity
we would realize
a universe
each within contained
membrane of the same
are we
as the earth orbits
the sun
in its own harmonic game

I wish...
for my life to live
for me to thrive
and my love to give
I wish..
for us to see
it is music
that are we
the same are
the stars
as they oscillate
and revolve
emulate
and collide
our
photonic path.
spiral graphs

I wish...
to bring understanding and peace
for compassion
at least
for us to know
that there is...
a way to explain
how it all correlates
as we revolve
evolve
to know
that the pattern
from light to matter...

..is the same

From Atoms to Solar Systems

the path of a planet around a star is an ellipse... in 3d, but what is really happening is that in 4d, it is a spiral because space is constantly expanding

people have made the "planet around the sun is like an electron around the nucleus" analogy

right, but the notion is flawed...

because we are not taking into account our inability to scale time as well as space

back in the days of bohr and planck, the quantization argument was what broke down that analogy

what we see as an electron probability function is what we would see if we charted a planet around a star for millions or billions of years

that's a deep statement, and has been considered, and is not what is currently believed

I will do some research on whether the models have actually tried to use a scale in time as well as size.. and why these notions were discarded.

but it had been one of the working theories

I do realize that the idea is not one that is absolutely new... it is only my gut feeling as to what is really going on

at least the analogy of orbits and orbitals

however, even if not directly associated in mathematical model, an orbital is still a spiral as it follows cycle around a proton (even if semi-stochastic) ...

there might be other force factors at play at different scales

the deep idea you're connecting with is the link between chaos and probability

how cyclical strange attractor type behavior connects with probability distributions

btw: I really appreciate that you are challenging me - I, however, was on my way out to have dinner

thanks friend... really, thank you... talk soon

will talk soon

Today

In the end -- even if the models for the atomic orbitals and the planetary orbitals are not described by exactly the same mathematics - it is not the main point of what I am saying (although I would like to keep looking into that)... the essence of what I am saying is that the wave as we know (a sine wave) is not a complete picture of what is happening. They ARE moving in a sine wave. But they are not only doing it on the y axis, but also on the x axis... which yields a spiral. And if we look at the cross section of the spiral, we see the sine wave... thus it does not invalidate our current findings, but merely amends our view of how it is that the photons (or particles) are travelling.

the analogy between the two scales is only to illustrate that there are spirals happening on both of these levels which in turn leads me to conclude that everything moves like this... which then leads us to an understanding that light, energy, sound are also moving in spiral form