Thursday, March 15, 2012

Glacial Palace

as the anger subsides
I confide
I am beside
myself- disheveled, 
soul: shaken
mistakenly asleep
then awakened
to find 
a leap I take
a love we make
faltering each
knowing I reach
to you out my soul
and all I need is a call
when all is low and no one is there
it is you I seek for 
and without, I despair
they say silent night
a lonely night
for it is me against the world
as it crumbles in my hands
without me. 
while you go visit my land 
my home
my country
my place of birth
surely I deserve
knowing full
well that 
self serving
hurtful intent
lasting resentment
of both in each others eyes
no disguising what transpires
nor change as time flies
what it is that you do
or say and leave
behind in our youth
choices you had made
a choice for yourself
a choice that made me bleed
of which I cannot blame
all the same-
your intent was to 
leave me behind
and then you find
that perhaps our love
might be worth
salvaging ever still
at least our friendship
you will
if you cared for me 
as you said that you do
with forward momentum
it is wrong in how it feels
rather you 
choose to make a choice
 and hurt me so
never the less the past will never go
back to what it was before it was then
the truth - in which it is contained
you see - when I hurt you,
I can honestly say I did not blame
myself when looking away
but this, ever the opposite
no way to erase what you were doing
now I will keep
in memory
that you were merely fooling me 
to thinking you would make an effort
to fix 
what you know that which would hurt.
in to thinking that you would be there
no matter what,
trying to be my partner
but hardly that 
if you aren't there

then as I voice to you my concerns
you merely glide over what you discern
as just another annoyance in your life
rather than realizing that if you were my wife
that you would want to deal with me
even on your vacation ... 
even if you think I am mad,
when I am not
- merely frustrated in my life:
in a job I had lost
and perhaps even friends
and feeling forgot
knowing full well
I love you so much that 
all is nothing 
when your call is remiss
and your kiss,  a wish
that I longed to be there with you
but i gave in ...
thinking you would honor me so
let your ego go
and bow down with a sense of humility
when you hurt me like this..
instead you make me wish 
that I never voiced
any type of question
in that ascension of love 
we were trying to rebuild
for I held you in high regard 
with affairs of love 
and now I am scarred
for life 
thinking that I could tell you how I feel
stop holding back and make it all real
but you didn't want to deal
it wasn't worth the effort
you didn't want to work
for you know that in
the end...
I am just a jerk
who gave you their lives 
gave you what I had
gave you their all
came back to you  
and compromise
to make it all work
will it all to falter 
as this glacial palace- melts 
stalagmite bites of bitter cold
overtly piercing and crushing hearts still...
all you had to say is 

"I'm sorry 
I will...
make this up to you somehow
I love you...
now is the time for you to heal
be there for you I will
I will hold you from now on
I won't let this go on
I am sorry that you I hurt you so
please tell me what you need to let go
for I will make it better in due time
because with you , my heart is aligned..."

Instead, you tell me on your way home
You didn't want to deal with me
or the complicated complexities 
of what you created
reality is really, well- over rated...
after all you could easily just escape
as you do each weekend ...
and even in my true home 
where you should only come
only if invited.. 
never alone.

Audacity is what comes to mind
when I realize how it is that you find
a way to rationalize what you need to say
merely a projection- a negative ray
of darkness piercing across
telling me you gloss right over
any effort to bring it back towards love
not even seeing all that I had written
trying to communicate
instead you accuse
of emotional abuse
and I left knowing
now its all gone...
my heart
my life
my soul
our goal
to be friends till the end

No comments:

Post a Comment