Thursday, June 13, 2013

Happy Birthday


hanging head in shame,
you know the name
of this drill
one day
you'll come back and want to feel
what is a next level deal.
Your happy birthday gift
... so swift,
Didn't know that you would do
something like this...
no wonder it was
that I also have
things I miss
in this entangled deadly kiss.
So sweet and soft to the touch,
but delivery poisonous -truth
venemous -much
with your serpentine long lists
of previous heart eclipses
many tainted
while mine, in one hand painted.
Align your mind to the truth
and you will view
that I just merely asked
for bare minimum,
just be there for me
when I need someone.
You make it out to be
that I control thee...
but I give you freedom to be
and just wish to
communicate
occassionally.
Nurture I do,
nature I am,
perfect am not,
but you broke this dam.
You make me see
something lacking honesty,
while you see some one and
and still planned to move in with me.
You tell my friends one thing,
while my family another.
Straight to my face and
even my mother..
Now look within yourself,
and tell me all you seek.
Seems like a fallacy
when your will is weak.


Friday, June 7, 2013

Forum


although not a saint
truth I will paint
and stroke this brush
when you tell me to hush
you decree publicly
what you can't say to me
but I call it out
and mutual friends turn about
hypocrisy
instilled by thee
when you decide
to hurt me
in front of our community
I merely say you what you are doing
apparenty
pain is what you find alluring
in a public forum
I point out your decorum
and I am the one to blame?
and I should be the one to contain?
when I am willing to give you my hand
but instead you want to disband
behaving dishonestly
for this I cannot stand

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

You will realize

in the long run
your time of fun
will run dry
and you will cry
over what was lost
and what was offered
and how it was
that i have suffered
you will then realize
that i am the prize
with infinite potential
but you merely thinking
that I was mental
instead,
a true genius inside
you should have stayed
in my pocket
and by my side

i will
conquer my fears
and wipe my tears
this window is closed
and the truth appears
you lie to yourself
and then to me
your overlap of love
and the timing you said...
is just
a complete fallacy
you tell me your side and
then your reasons
but your actions don't align
and i see
winter's your season
cold hearted you are
and how you treated me
 as you leave 
someone who loves you
infinitely
when you knew i needed love
and you couldn't pass a test
to be my girlfriend
or my partner
so i put it to rest
you left during the bad
and soon i will be good
you don't deserve me
because you treat me
 not as you should

with your friends telling you
they don't see what you see
focusing mostly
on negativity
to justify your actions
merely to quench
your own physical satisfactions
now i sit on the bench
and i will then disappear
and this will be clear
that you threw me away
when you should have stayed
for my love is epic
and my future is golden
fool you are
you might be lonely and old then
and though my heart is shattered
and pride i've swallowed
i see 
you don't know what truly mattered

you left before
a chance we both deserved
i suspect one day soon
you will get served
a dose of your karma
so huge
much it will hurt
even though you feel 
that I am the jerk

I tell it it how it is
calling out you and your man
you have no integrity
for ruining our plan
and i see your dishonesty
because you felt differently
from what you told me
i wish this was a figment, see
we were to move in together
you requested the changes
while I accepted you
unconditionally
knowing your dangers
all the things we forgave
while I was your slave
but now i will find
someone who will return
all that love that i gave.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Apologies


trying to make my peace
by saying my piece...
at least
try...
to make my wrong right
at least
try...
to say goodnight
to pasts we had
and as time passes
align
converge
and emerge
now,
here's my invitation
to break bread
starting new patterns
leaving behind
what we had instead

Confession of Love (Followed by Rejection)

 have a hard time
holding back
what is in my heart 
as it attacks 
my logicaI mind
as it unwinds
falls apart
and then comes back 
and its not my intent
maybe you're right
maybe I'm sick
but I am who I am
and try as I might
I find myself
seeking the light
the answers
and truth 

wish you you would see
the light within me
and realize my sorrow
is not unfounded
but also
would not be there tomorrow
if I were still in your pocket
and had you by my side
to help me heal
so in you I can confide

so many things I want to say
but my pride gets in the way
for I am to come back soon
and I wish upon a star
and I look up at the moon
now I give up on my will
and tell how you I feel
simply put
that I love you still

Monday, May 20, 2013

its all the same


i give up,
i give in...
i lost when "all in"
Nothing left to lose,
nothing left to gain...
nothing left at all...
its all the same,
now i have shattered pieces
scattered about,
like a child, i scream,
and cry out.
in anger, in pain..
frustrations are
driving me insane
whie expecting different results
from doing the same
now...
trying to break that spell
that I know too well. 
trying to break
that mental jail
find the positive
in what remains
but when you have nothing...
it's all the same.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Silence


Distance increases
our hearts:
shattered, broken pieces.
As we
lay down alone,
creating new homes
wondering, wandering, longing
to each, neither are belonging
even though
abundance of love abound
we are forming
dominoes falling down
but for you- my love remains still
nothing, even if you will
or won't....
send me a thought
through these telecommuncation
toys that i've bought.
Even if you judge,
you won't make me budge.
Because true love
is infinite and eternal
and remains
ever so..
even through
our minutia complains.
those are the thoughts
which we write in our journals

and so...
I wish you were happy
with me.
But that thought ceases
when I see reality...
and I hope that if you were to let me go
.. I hope you would at least let me know
so that I fall with grace.
But know this:
no matter what,
for you,
in this heart,
there is a place.
That I will be there still
even if you disagree
with what is my will...
and how I proceed
And know
that it is you in my life that I need
one way or another
as sister and brother,
but preferably more my lover
to stand by my side
so in you I can confide...
and have you embrace me again

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Lost and Found

clear minded-
and balanced 
I find it surreal,
i still will-
 try to pick up the pieces-
at least what is
left
 ...  right?
the straight is askew
and I ask you
don't you realize
that I'm a prize?
even broken
tattered
heart shattered
unwound
and unfound
my light within
is all around
a shining beacon
amongst a sea
of dark
it matters not
i am radiating
aimlessly in a chase
racing through amazing mazes
mentally distracted
heart retracted
lost...in space yes
why won't you
spark my fire
i will solve the puzzle
i'll be inspired
go from lost to found
abound
in abundance
of treasures from my soul
glistening with love to be shared
it is my goal
but I need fuel to feed my flame
but it is not just for anyone
it is for someone that is the same:
stimulating
titillating
facilitating reciprocating
I rather be alone
if all I have is gone
from not filling my cup
lonely I became
since it's only me
for life is to be shared
can't seem to break free
from my own shackles
that i can't seem to bare
now i look up
let me see
what is right,
not just what was
left...
let me be
rise
independently
for no one else
is there at the end
it is only me...
my best friend






Sunday, March 25, 2012

Forever

Flames flickering
By the gentle night
Me next to you
Our Souls taking flight
and I realize...
You're my..
Elegant notion
Loving devotion
Taking me higher
With you.. I conspire
A World conquest
But You come first
In Waking dreams
I'm Lucidly aware
And it seems
Quite a pair
We make
Grandeur awaits
Successful traits
Characterized
Uncompromised
More than words can say
More than music conveys
Our souls tied together
I love you forever

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Glacial Palace


as the anger subsides
I confide
I am beside
myself- disheveled, 
soul: shaken
mistakenly asleep
then awakened
to find 
a leap I take
a love we make
twisted
contorted 
distorted
faltering each
knowing I reach
to you out my soul
and all I need is a call
when all is low and no one is there
it is you I seek for 
and without, I despair
they say silent night
a lonely night
for it is me against the world
as it crumbles in my hands
without me. 
while you go visit my land 
my home
my country
my place of birth
surely I deserve
more 
compassion 
knowing full
well that 
abashed
unashamed 
self serving
actions
with 
hurtful intent
lasting resentment
of both in each others eyes
no disguising what transpires
nor change as time flies
what it is that you do
or say and leave
behind in our youth
choices you had made
a choice for yourself
a choice that made me bleed
of which I cannot blame
all the same-
your intent was to 
leave me behind
and then you find
that perhaps our love
might be worth
salvaging ever still
at least our friendship
you will
if you cared for me 
as you said that you do
with forward momentum
it is wrong in how it feels
rather you 
choose to make a choice
 and hurt me so
never the less the past will never go
back to what it was before it was then
the truth - in which it is contained
you see - when I hurt you,
I can honestly say I did not blame
myself when looking away
but this, ever the opposite
no way to erase what you were doing
now I will keep
in memory
that you were merely fooling me 
to thinking you would make an effort
to fix 
what you know that which would hurt.
in to thinking that you would be there
no matter what,
trying to be my partner
but hardly that 
if you aren't there


then as I voice to you my concerns
you merely glide over what you discern
as just another annoyance in your life
rather than realizing that if you were my wife
that you would want to deal with me
even on your vacation ... 
even if you think I am mad,
when I am not
- merely frustrated in my life:
in a job I had lost
and perhaps even friends
and feeling forgot
knowing full well
I love you so much that 
all is nothing 
when your call is remiss
and your kiss,  a wish
that I longed to be there with you
but i gave in ...
thinking you would honor me so
let your ego go
and bow down with a sense of humility
when you hurt me like this..
instead you make me wish 
that I never voiced
any type of question
in that ascension of love 
we were trying to rebuild
for I held you in high regard 
with affairs of love 
and now I am scarred
for life 
thinking that I could tell you how I feel
stop holding back and make it all real
but you didn't want to deal
it wasn't worth the effort
you didn't want to work
for you know that in
the end...
I am just a jerk
who gave you their lives 
gave you what I had
gave you their all
came back to you  
reprise
surprise
and compromise
to make it all work
will it all to falter 
as this glacial palace- melts 
stalagmite bites of bitter cold
overtly piercing and crushing hearts still...
all you had to say is 


"I'm sorry 
I will...
make this up to you somehow
I love you...
now is the time for you to heal
be there for you I will
I will hold you from now on
I won't let this go on
I am sorry that you I hurt you so
please tell me what you need to let go
for I will make it better in due time
because with you , my heart is aligned..."


Instead, you tell me on your way home
You didn't want to deal with me
or the complicated complexities 
of what you created
reality is really, well- over rated...
after all you could easily just escape
as you do each weekend ...
and even in my true home 
where you should only come
only if invited.. 
never alone.


Audacity is what comes to mind
when I realize how it is that you find
a way to rationalize what you need to say
merely a projection- a negative ray
of darkness piercing across
telling me you gloss right over
any effort to bring it back towards love
not even seeing all that I had written
trying to communicate
instead you accuse
of emotional abuse
....
and I left knowing
now its all gone...
my heart
my life
my soul
our goal
to be friends till the end